"Guiding Me Home" The Last Moments

It is not common to share the details of a person's passing.  However, God orchestrated such a beautiful ending to my dad's life that it needs to be shared...

As the last few hours drew near, we found ourselves once again all piled on and around my parent's bed, as my dad slept soundly and snored loudly.

We stayed true to ourselves and instead of being quiet and somber, we gave Daddy what he was used to, and expected- loud laughter, much mischievousness, and a rousing game of cards between the sisters who were present. 

After the games, I said- "I'm going to spend some more time with Daddy now." and went to sit by him.

There were praise and worship songs playing by us, and I felt a prompting to ask Fred to sing a few songs, with me.

To maintain the mood of the room we chose three upbeat songs from my phone. The first two were "Joy to the World" by Seabird- so he could hear one last Christmas song. And "Guiding Me Home" by Stomptown Revival. To be honest we chose "Guiding Me Home" without fully thinking through the words. But as they came out of our mouths, it was clear that God was setting the scene for my dad's homecoming.

Oh, Light of the hollows
The wind is filled with Your echoes
Your clouds as canopies,
Your rain, it covers me
You are wherever I roam…

You are the Reason…
Our souls carry on-- beyond this brief life
-Through every season…
Your beacon of love
Shines in the dark…
… you’re guiding me home…

Oh Lord of our Sorrows,
Lead on- dear Lord I will follow
Until the trumpet sounds
‘Till mirth and joy abound…
you whisper peace to my soul…

this train is tearing through the night black tunnel
I see a light, it’s distant but I know…it’s coming…
I believe in the days to come-- I’ll look up from my slumber-- and I’ll see my Lord
…Guiding me home

We sang one more song, "Manifesto" by The City Harmonic- which includes a creed and the Lord's Prayer.

By the time we finished, my sister Betsy had arrived. Those who were able to come were now all around him.

I leaned in, kissed my dad on the head and just started talking... I told him how much we loved him; that he had been such a good father and husband; that he had raised such a great family, and that we would take care of Mommy; that it was OK for him to go to heaven, and Jesus was there to give him his new lungs; that I would see him there in a few years... On and on I talked. I had said some of these things before to him, but this time it was different. I truly believe that I was a vessel being used by God, to deliver messages that my dad needed to hear, in order to leave in peace.

As I ended my talk, my dad's head rose from the pillow with a gasp. We called for my mom, who was at the foot of the bed. She ran to him, laid on his chest and wept, as he passed peacefully from her arms, into the arms of Christ.

...

My heart hurts. It hurts so much. I struggle with the suffering that he endured in the weeks leading up to his death. I cry when I think about him not being with us anymore. Disbelief and devastation wash over me without warning. But with this big, crazy family that my dad and mom created the smiles far, far, far outweigh the tears. That was the example that Daddy set for us. And that is how we will honor his memory- with love filled laughter, ample sarcasm, never ending teasing and most importantly- unshakable faith that we will be with him again, someday.

I love you, Daddy... we'll see you soon.

Questions I've Gained Along the Way #3 (cancer/time)

Questions I've gained along the way #3

After a loved one dies, people often say- "I'd pay any amount of money to have just one more day with them.... to hear their voice again... to hug them..."

So why don't more people sacrifice money, time on the job, etc... to be with their loved ones as much as possible, while they are alive? 

Everyone's days are limited. Cancer or not. Why do people wait till it's too late to understand that there is nothing on this earth that is more precious than time with loved ones. Nothing.

Lessons I've Learned Along the Way #14 (cancer/pictures)

Lessons I've learned along the way #14

Having a family member who takes pictures regularly (pre-illness) makes it easier and more natural to capture photos when an illness such as cancer enters the family.

You saw this one coming, didn't you?  wink emoticon

Because, I am one of the "picture-takers" of the family, it hasn't been strange for my dad (Jack) to see me snapping away, during this time. It's our normal. Even with the increase in quantity, he hasn't seemed phased. "It's just Kimberly. She's always got a camera in her face." 

Had I not been taking pictures before the cancer, my sudden drive to capture moments might freak him out a little. 

I am so thankful that I had established my photo obsession before all of this!

Taking this a step or two further, I would also highly, highly recommend that the family-picture-taker learn how to shoot in manual mode (controlling the ISO, shutter speed, & aperture). Without the skill to shoot in manual mode, chances are high that you will find yourself in low light situations which are difficult to capture in auto mode. Blurry photos of important moments would be incredibly frustrating. Learn how to operate your camera before a crisis occurs. 

And finally, I would encourage you, and have had to push myself, to take photos that are uncomfortable.

Take the sleeping shots, for example. I almost didn't attempt them. I didn't want to wake them... and I didn't want to get in trouble. haha But with my beep feature always off, and a light foot, I was able to snap a few, before my light-sleeping mama's eyes fluttered open. Then today, I took some photos of my mom rubbing my dad's shoulders. It was a tender moment that I didn't want to intrude upon, but I made myself do it. To NOT capture the scene would have been a failure in my mind. This is their life right now. Shoulder rubs are a part of the story. And I want to record the story as thoroughly as I can, even if it makes me uncomfortable while I'm doing it.

*Become a picture-taker now.

*Learn how to be a good picture-taker.

*And get out of your comfort zone to capture sentimental & important moments in the story.

Now, if only I had also been in the habit of capturing videos for our family before the cancer hit...

Lessons I've Learned Along the Way #13 (cancer/energy and anger)

Lessons I've learned along the way #13

Put your energy where it's needed and your anger where it's deserved.

I'm a "doer". I like looking at a situation, assessing it, seeing what I can do to improve it, then doing it *or asking someone else to do it, if I'm not equipped. 

Gossip, worry, meddling, bitterness- all energy wasters. I try to purposefully avoid them, and instead throw my energy and efforts into helping where ever I can. 

A great example of this principle was demonstrated a while ago, when a group from our church went to a family's home and landscaped their yard for them. What an awesome gift for a family who was focused on healing and recovery! I want to be a doer like that!

Think outside of the box. Look for needs, both big and small. Then do.

...

As for anger- it's going to come. And sometimes, it tricks you into thinking that you're angry at the wrong things or people. It deflects. I need to keep an eye on this.

One of my life's mottoes is: 

If I don't ask God "Why me?" during the good times, then I don't have the right to ask Him "Why me?" during the bad times. (Or "Why us?" in this case.)

This has helped me keep my anger from going heavenward. For the most part... Once in a while it creeps up and I have to put it back in its place. But, if I believe that God is in control and that His way is best, then who am I to point the finger at Him in anger, when things get hard? 

Also, in full disclosure, sometimes I get angry with family members who aren't doing what I think they should be doing. And I have to keep that in check as well. Their choices are theirs to make. Not mine. I need to simply handle my own business and allow others the right to handle theirs, without my judgement. This isn't always easy, and I have to purposefully fight against that anger.

So where does anger fit in? Is there such a thing as justifiable anger here? 

I think so.

I am beyond angry at smoking, cigarettes, cigars, pipes, etc... At some point, I expect to post my thoughts on it. Smokers, feel free to quit now before I rip you a new one. It's not going to be pretty.

And I am angry at the doctors and services who have failed. Over. And over. Again. Not because they haven't cured my dad yet, but because the ball has been dropped in very unprofessional ways, too many times. 

There is room for error. There is not room for incompetence. Letters will be written.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out... 

Needless to say, I firmly believe that a passive stance on both energy expenditure and anger management is an unwise choice. 

Make the best of these situations by purposefully using- 

your energy to do good for others, 

and your anger to fuel change for the better.

Lessons I've Learned Along the Way #12 (cancer/tangible gifts)

Lessons I've learned along the way #12

Every gift, act of service, card, text, call, and/or visit is appreciated. Every. Single. One.

But if I am in a position to bless someone in need in the future, here is my top 10 list (in random order) for tangible gifts based on what I've observed at my parent's house.

1) Meals

Meals have been SUCH a blessing to my family. When my brother and his family of 6 visited from Thailand, people stepped up so much that we didn't have to make one single meal. Over 10 days! But the meals didn't stop there. They're still coming! Since there are allergies in the house, it's always nice to find out what a family can and cannot eat, but with so many visitors, nothing has gone wasted at my parent's house. I'll also throw in (at the risk of seeming self serving!) that meals for extended family who are traveling or helping a lot is also something I'll try to keep in mind, in the future. Thankfully, we are in a routine now and I have my intern Mary to help out a lot, so we are good to go. But I'll admit that the first two weeks were challenging at my own house. (We live about 3 hours from my parents, and I left in a hurry.)

*Note- bringing meals in throw away containers is appreciated. Otherwise casserole dishes breed in the corners.  wink emoticon

2) Coffee, tea + their accessories

Nearly every time I call to ask what my mom needs, the answer has been "Green Mountain Organic Coffee- whole bean!" haha Needless to say, with all of the visitors dropping by they've been going through a lot of hot beverages.

3) Easy to serve, long lasting snacks

-Cheese, crackers, and the like
-Fruit, but not too much at a time
-Nuts
-tortilla chips and salsa
-milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, mint chocolate... chocolate.

4) Desserts that can be individually portioned and frozen

Both the desserts and the easy to serve snacks have been great for guests (and family, of course!) It's so nice to have easy options to serve visitors!

5) Granola

While my dad was in the hospital, one of my friends brought us healthy snack bags (Thanks, Jen!). Since my mom's appetite wasn't so great she literally lived on the granola and whatnot in her bag. Granola and granola bars are awesome in times like these. Long lasting and nutritious.

6) Monetary gifts & gift cards

No matter how much a person has planned or saved, cancer puts a huge dent in the pocket. By giving money or practical gift cards, some of the budget stresses can be alleviated. 

7) Toilet paper & paper products

Yes! Yes! This is one I hadn't considered before, but one of my parent's friends contributed paper products and it was so useful, given all of the people coming into the house!

8) Gas cards

When my dad was receiving chemo & radiation, as well as when he was in the hospital, it was about a 45 minute drive from their house, one way. Gas cards were such a blessing! 

9) Phone cards

Also, extra special for the hospital times, as cell phone usage increases quite a bit.

10) Hand sanitizer and/or soap

You know why...  wink emoticon

What tangible gifts have you found to be extra helpful in times of need?

Lessons I've Learned Along the Way #11 (cancer/loving others)

Lessons I've learned along the way #11

Actively loving others results in others actively loving you.

My dad (Jack) has been home from the hospital for over a month now. If I had to guess, I would say that my parents have had over 100 visitors, several acts of service, and many, many gifts given to them during that time. 

They are loved. And loved much.

And it's not just because they are nice, hospitable, and outgoing (which they are). It's because they have poured into the lives of so many, throughout the years. They have ACTIVELY loved others, in very big ways.

Here are a few examples:

*My parents were foster parents. Hard core. They began taking in children from the time I was 7 (and adopted one child, when I was a teen). With a house already filled with 5 kids, this made for a loud, crazy, ever-changing household. They lost count of how many kids came through their home, at about 300... You read that right! My parents had a hand in raising over 300 children, over 32 years... Some were temporary. Some were with us for years. How many people still to this day call them mom and dad? I don't actually know. Quite a few!

*My parents were active in the "Personal Ponies Program". http://www.personalponies.org/ For years, they had a breeding farm, where they raised UK Shetland Ponies and gave them to terminally ill and/or handicapped children. They were also the PA State Directors and Community Directors, for a time, before going back to "regular" volunteering for the program. They still have two beauties in their pasture- Shameka and Mr. Jay. They serve as a reminder of the special services that they provided, not to mention that they are a much adored attraction for visitors.

*My parents are members of the Christian Motorcycle Association, and my dad was the president of his community chapter, "Wheels for Christ". http://www.cmausa.org/ Here, they combine their love of motorcycles, Jesus, and people, by fostering relationships, spreading the love of Christ, and attending fund raisers to help others.

These are only a few of the bigger ways that they have actively loved others. In addition, my mom has done small dog and bird rescue work. She also volunteers at a local, community thrift store (Interfaith http://www.interfaithsc.org/storepage.html). And both have been active in their church (http://elishashome.com/), helping where ever they are needed.

To say that they have loved people is an understatement. They have taken that love and put it into action, over and over again.

I understand that not everyone is equipped to do all of the things that my parents have done. But my encouragement to you and the lesson to myself is simple-

If you spend your life seeking self-fulfillment then it stands to reason that you will have the person whom you've invested in most (yourself) there to help you, in times of need. But if you spend your life helping others, chances are good that they will return the favor when it's needed most. And oh what a beautiful, bonus blessing that is.

Lessons I've Learned Along the Way #10 (cancer/germs)

Lessons I've learned along the way #10

When visiting, washing your hands upon arrival is a very small act that can give some peace of mind to the family and patient. Not to mention that it helps protect the patient from germs and illness...

Post chemo especially, the patient's immune system is diminished. And the thought of adding more sickness to an already taxed body is a valid concern.

Even if you just used the restroom and washed your hands, when you come into the home or hospital room of someone who is sick, grab a dab of hand sanitizer, or use the sink to wash again. By doing so, you avoid causing not-so-nice thoughts in the minds of the over-protective-germaphobes... should there be any of those around. (cough cough) And you send the message that you care about the situation enough to inconvenience yourself with a little hand cleansing.

Small act. Big rewards.

Please. And thank you.  wink emoticon